We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.
~ Epictetus
Family gatherings are an opportunity to connect, make new memories, and share old ones. They can also be a barometer of our spiritual growth. There is no better place for those on a journey of self-awareness to test if we can really walk the walk and not just talk the talk.
Now, well into the holiday season, the tension of the upcoming festivities, anticipated obligations, and the stress of our family dynamics can be felt.
Whether extended or blood, our families have an uncanny way of pushing our buttons. It is often a knee-jerk reaction; before we know it, old wounds or those festering open up, resulting in anger, resentment, or hurt feelings.
The difficulty occurs because we often do not listen. Instead, we wait only to reply, curtailing our ability to understand what is said and those unspoken words. When the conversation gets adversarial, each party ceases to hear, wanting only to convince the other of their point of view, resulting in a stalemate.
To navigate these vulnerable areas, we can implement self-awareness in our interactions by making a conscious and mindful decision not to engage in harmful and regrettable responses.
We cannot control the actions or words of others. However, we can control our reactions to them. When we have a lifetime of buttons, this can be challenging. However, using the power of mindful communication guides us not to allow differences to disrupt our family gatherings.
Speaking in a way others can understand comes from skills learned, accomplished by speaking with the heart.
Navigating Communication
Speak with the heart, not your head. To speak with the soul, we must first hear with the spirit. Unfavorable responses occur when we listen with our heads, often with preset agendas. To effectively communicate, we must realize we all perceive the world differently. Understanding the view of another will guide our communication.
Acceptance. The facts of another’s reality are personal. No one can disprove how another has processed their experiences. With sincerity and desire, we can make significant inroads to comprehend without attack or blame.
Set your intention. Please take a deep breath, soften your projections of what you expect, and replace them by choosing how you would like it to be. Relax your throat, chest, and heart, and allow a sense of kindness and compassion to permeate your being. Keep in your mind what you want to communicate. Also, know that timing is everything. If the person you want to interact with is not in a calm and compliant state of mind, let it go and revisit it at another time.
Don’t assume you know. Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.~ Hermann Hesse. Ask questions and accept the responses as the speakers’ reality/truth. Listen with your heart.
Don’t take the bait. Baiting usually happens when someone is trying to engage you in an argument. If joined, the table can be turned on you. Don’t bite. By not responding, the conversation can move on. And indeed, don’t argue or attempt to appeal to reason. If those pushing the buttons are not getting the reactions they are hoping for, they will change their tact. Our buttons cannot be pushed if our triggers are deactivated.
Let go of your need to justify. Past or Present. Justifications arise because we feel guilt over an action, are insecure about a decision, want to clarify a situation, or seek validation and approval. What has been – is over. Move forward. Start fresh today.
Slow down. Before you open your mouth, take a deep breath. Speaking without carefully choosing words can often provoke fire, leading to disagreements. Listen, then pause before you respond. How you react is within your power.
There is no win in being right. Remember, people cannot be wrong about their beliefs or feelings. Therefore, the need to be right is a moot point. It will only serve to alienate the other.
Let go of your expectations. Having expectations of what you want, usually through rose-colored glasses, will always bring disappointment. When what we envisioned is shattered, heartache, frustration, or defeat may ensue.
When confronted with an adversarial tone, walk away politely, not in a huff. Step outside, get fresh air, look at the stars, and count to 10. Returning with a new perspective will allow us to redirect the conversation.
Don’t fall prey to a conditioned response. Only we have control over how we feel. No one makes us feel anything. We react because we believe someone else’s truth about us is more valid than our thoughts.
Most importantly, don’t engage in negative behavior. There is no better time to accept your family with their quirks. But don’t allow the patterned behavior of others to rob you of joy.
Above all, be kind.
Navigating family gatherings can be fulfilling. Changing how we react will alter how others act towards us. Be patient with those less skilled on this spiritual journey. Keep returning to the heart, to the source of love. Little by little, speaking and hearing from the heart will yield conversations and connections yearned for. It is a quiet transition, almost invisible. It is a phenomenon of the chain effect. One change will affect the whole.
Now enjoy your family and friends!
Give thanks for a little, and you will find a lot.
~Hausa Proverb
