The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes.

~William James

How we live our lives comprises the behaviors and habits we have learned and make choices that reflect those beliefs.

Family patterning passes down through generations. Ingrained in our subconscious, we ensure our family history is remembered each time the stories repeat. We make choices based on what we witness and our conditioned memories. Some of these are positive and uplifting, and frequently, they are not.

We compare what is now with what was; if it looks close to how it’s been, we are okay. Even when it is terrible, it is familiar; because of this, we accept it is how it will always be. Unfortunately, we assume this is the way of life, so we become complacent and carry on with life circumstances.

The same stories repeat like a broken record; we memorize our parents’ and parents’ parent’s choices.

Unknowingly, we get stuck in the loop. If we don’t halt negative patterns, they will continue through our lives and beyond. To get unstuck, we need to alter our perceptions.

Most of our childhoods were filled with drama and stress; mine certainly had its share. So, as tweens and teens, my brother, four cousins, and I formed a pack to change the dynamics we experienced in our combined family interactions.

We vowed to each other late one night that we would not continue our families’ dysfunctional communication. To ensure the strength of our convictions, we made a blood promise, pricking our fingers with a pin and mixing our blood.

Our commitment to each other was not to allow the past to control our present. Of course, we certainly have had our disagreements, but we have used the power of communication not to let those differences disrupt our relationships.

Unbeknownst to the group, we gave ourselves the greatest gift – the power of choice.

More than 50 years later, there is a name for what we couldn’t identify, now commonly referred to as Generational programming or Generational patterning. These patterns, which manifest as thoughts, perspectives, and beliefs, are handed down from generation to generation because they are often culturally or emotionally anchored. Therefore, they are hard to break. As a result, each generation holds the scars of its impact until the line is stopped.

We can change our behaviors to break the cycle. But first, we must become aware of the pattern(s). These rooted imprints guide us and can influence most who we are. For an expansive time, they can impact how we define gender roles and participation in relationships. They affect the words we use. Do we blame or assign guilt? Is there abuse, physical and/or emotional, or is alcoholism or drug use a norm? What is our level of interpersonal communication, and what are our parenting skills? Undisclosed to us, all behaviors are modeled from generational programming.

Once identified, we can reframe our thoughts about those patterns by creating new ideas and processes, thus allowing us to move forward.

Letting go of family stories does not mean we are alienating our family. On the contrary, it allows us to live our lives from a healthier perspective. Refrain from comparing yourself to others, yet do not hesitate to seek out others walking a similar path. Hearing about others’ experiences often uncovers insights.

Creating new habits often includes forgiveness.

Looking at those stuck in their patterns with compassion, empathy, and love allows us to see deeper into who they are. We may develop an understanding that their behavior has more to do with their internal struggle than it ever did with us. It may reveal a life of hurt and fear, but recognizing they are doing their best with the knowledge they have been given comes with our understanding of self.

Protecting future lineages from carrying forward family patterns happens when the cycle is broken.

Changing behaviors is not a road everyone walks. It does not happen overnight. Those on the path of growth are seekers. Many are not, and that is okay, too. Change requires moving out of our comfort zones. By doing so, we will adjust how we take future action.

We can only walk our path. When we are ready for the path to change, the road will become evident, and a turn is necessary. Transforming is a slow and personal process.

While glancing at the patterns that once were can help us gauge how far we have progressed, continually rehashing what was will not allow us to navigate where we are going. Know that we all have the power to adjust our thoughts. It takes only commitment and the desire to make a difference in our future lives, as evidenced by six kids and their blood pact that altered their worlds.

People talk about dysfunctional families; I’ve never seen any other kind.

– Sue Grafton