I think carrying moral baggage is very dangerous for an artist. If you have a duty, it’s to be true and not cover up the cracks.
~Bono
When I was growing up, my mother would make us clean up the house whenever we wanted to have friends over. We needed to return things from the living areas to our rooms each evening. Before a holiday party or family gathering, the house was cleaned from ceiling to floor.
Even after the kids moved out and she remarried, my mother’s home was always tidy. Dishes were washed after each meal, the ‘formal’ living room never looked out of place, and the den, where most activity occurred, was left orderly.
Surprisingly, her bedroom and den became messier as she aged, although the living room was never out of place.
One day, I commented that her yoga props were strewn all over her floor, and the room was messy. She responded, “I like to be messy; it feels good. ” Well into her 80s, she allowed her mess to show, even though on the day she passed unexpectedly to us, her house was immaculate, with nothing out of place and a bowl of food and water for her cat. Haha, I guess she had not committed to the mess long-term.
However, the mess was not just focused on stuff.
We kept the skeletons in the closet and the messy truths about what was happening in our lives. We didn’t air our dirty laundry and kept our concerns to ourselves. We learned not to complain when my single mom barely had money for food as she started her new freelance career. Instead, we learned to make our own money for what we wanted. We learned to hide the reality of hardship and present a united front.
We also learned to keep our mouths shut about the family’s dysfunction. It was unspoken that those things that lived in the closet should remain so. Therefore, it took many years to let go of the fear, shame, and unresolved thoughts and let out what bubbled under the surface.
Why do we hide our messy lives when, in truth, everyone has some degree of mess? I learned to correlate the dots as I grew older and evolved in understanding the connections between mind, body, and spirit. What we equate to mess has recently been relegated to our stuff. Yet, as we know, what is inside us can be as cluttered as a messy space.
In my early twenties, I still hid aspects of my identity for fear of something unknown. I was never taught why we didn’t discuss the skeletons in the closet; it was just that it was not something we did. So, not knowing the why, I was afraid of the what if I did.
This complicated my desire to understand the mess, and as it turned out, it was an ah-ha moment that released the key. I realized it was not about what was in the closet but how I felt about them.
The more I could unearth within myself the events in my life that triggered me, meaning those situations with an emotional attachment, and release them, the less I had to closet away.
The lightness that developed and the space to grow and explore was exponential to what I could let go of. Things that may have once caused embarrassment became a badge of honor that I had survived and overcome.
As I aged, more things surfaced that I could release, and with that, the inner knowing that everything that did happen in my life created who I am. It also occurred to me that if I could not accept and embrace the dark, closeted events of my life, I could not accept all of who I am. Those same feelings arose when I realized the lack of acceptance of my birth father’s actions no longer held any reactions. Once I could forgive and accept him as he was, I could love myself more thoroughly.
Our mess unites us. How often does a secret arise only to be received by others who open up with their own stories? There is truth in the saying misery loves company. However, we must not sit in blame, shame, or anger; instead, we must immerse ourselves deeply enough to relish in the feelings, thank them for the lessons they have provided for us, and then let the past go.
We will also see humanity’s interconnectedness when we discover the liberation from letting go of what we have kept shut away.
Mess is relative. I prefer an uncluttered home because it makes me feel good, while others prefer more things around because that appeals to them. I have come to a point in life where less absolutely is more, including the internal baggage we began accumulating at birth and before. A carry-on is all I require to travel, and about my inner baggage, when the bits and pieces are uncovered, I am pleased to acknowledge their worth: they served at the time, and now it’s time to move them aside, making room for more light, wonder, and curiosity.
When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future.
~Bernard Meltzer
